Finding myself

Well, for starters, finding myself is not as easy as it might seem it should be. After all, I have a lot of years of expectation dust to clear off. Someone should invent a spiritual vacuum cleaner that will do it all in a flash. That would be easy. It has occurred to me that once one finds oneself, then the work of staying found begins. Just like cleaning house, the house will not stay clean unless there is constant concentrated effort to keep it clean. ...And isn't it much more fun to just play all the time? ...And wouldn't it be great if life was always kind and people were always kind and did the right things and took care of their own business? ...And wouldn't it be great if we were raised up to be knowing who we are instead of some version of what our cultural surround wants us to be?

It seems to me that the more I look for myself, the more I see I am lost. So, looking back to the last post, where I suggested that the process is a little easier if we focus on what things we like and enjoy doing, I have been finding more of myself in this action. So, actually, I have moved the second question: "What do I love to do and couldn't do without?" up to first place. My list looks something like this:

• I love knitting, beading, sewing?, making jewelry, …being artistic!
• I love being impulsive and in the moment.
• I love teaching to a big group.
• I love my acupressure and hypnosis career.
• I love my home.
• I love my husband.
  

Now, I said "something like this" because it has changed a few times. My first list had loving the hubby in second place. After a few days, however, I realized that this really didn't define who I am, and the focus has been shifting to those self-defining loves. In many ways, loving my husband does define who I am, and so it remains on the list, but as this is dependent on a changing, growing, renewing partnership, it is not who I am. The first on the list is very important. Being creative especially defines who I feel I am. I am currently focusing on increasing my creativity, looking for new ways of doing things, creating something new and wonderful, even if it is not so in anyone else's opinion. At one time in my life, I was much more free to explore my creativiyt. Now, I have boundaries of family needs, financial needs, etc. So, I make it a point to set aside time for myself. That's important!

In order to fuel creativity, it is essential to just do it, and forgo all judgmental criticism. Why? ...Because criticism puts on the brakes. Creativity comes in a flow, in the flash of the moment, and if you stop the flow, it's gone and more reluctant to flow the next time.

My latest efforts are getting ready for a holiday boutique. After 5 1/2 years of knitting, I have a laundry basket full of creations that need a home. I have also been toying with setting up an etsy store. It isn't nearly ready to go active, but I do hope to have it up in time to send off some special creations to someone who will adore having them.



My on the needles project? ...A joyful scarf in holiday colors that will send the message that whoever wears it is a merry person.

Yes, I am still here... just quietly contemplating my navel

It has been ages, I know. Well, sometimes we just get seriously sidetracked and lately i have had so many priorities that I just haven't kept up with the blog. In some sort of defense though, I have been journaling. It has been an ongoing project of mine to get back to mySELF. ...A continuance of a spiritual journey that I began many years ago. So, I started a journal about the same time I stopped blogging. Private stuff you know. Time has been precious, and so the blogging end of things seemed to be less important. I do want you to know that I have been making progress with my finding mySELF. I was actually right here, under my own nose. Just a little forgotten and very confused. Wouldn't anyone be if you forgot where you put yourSELF? I was hidden behind everyone else in my life, getting tarnished and dusty, and it felt like my own needs didn't matter a bit. A life of service is fine for Mother Theresa types, but I do have my limits. So, I have been asking questions like:

• What do I want to be when I grow up?
• What do I love to do and couldn't do without?
• What do I want in my life?

...well, you get the idea. I know for sure that I love being creative, and it makes my SELF feel really great when I am creating something. I will be sharing some of my process in the following blogs, but this is how I started out:

I am on course to figure out just who I am these days. …Maybe where I got lost along the way,and which way I want to go. I feel usurped. Everyone else came in and bumped me out. I am just hanging on by my itty bitty fingernails to my own shoulders.…And it doesn’t feel good.

The process started with listing 6 things that I love. And Guess what? They changed after a few days!